“A lot of people like the thrill of ‘falling’ or ‘being in love’, but sometimes they just get hooked on the feelings.”
Are you enormously excited, seeing your beloved? Do you enjoy lying in each other’s arms for hours on end, just talking about anything under the sun? Are you daydreaming about your beloved, when he or she is not around? Do you seem unmindful of wasting those precious loads or subscriptions on your mobile phone, texting (SMS) or calling your beloved? Have you ever wondered what is this or why you feel this way, especially during courtship, into the early stages of a new relationship, and sometimes, even way beyond?
This powerful experience of passion is known here as limerence, a condition of fabulous feelings most of us experience and enjoy. Limerence is an altered emotional, behavioral, intellectual, and psychological state.
You’re convinced that no one else has ever felt the way you do. You feel euphoric and emotional. You seldom eat and you don’t easily fall asleep. Weight loss would be a common occurrence. You can stay up all night talking, yet still feel full of energy the next day. Your attention becomes focused on your beloved. You tend to overlook friends and family, and begin to be unmindful of your usual work or studies.
During limerence, you laugh at all your beloved’s jokes. Suddenly, almost all the things the other person or your beloved touches, becomes so precious and everything you both did and the places you’ve been to, becomes memorable. Everything your beloved says or does have a wonderful quality. Even things that you would normally find offending or annoying are glossed over by the rosy glow of limerence. People who are limerent are extremely tolerant and do seldom 'crossed' or 'lock horns' with their partner. You exchange hugs and kisses continually and can barely keep your hands off each other. As for sex, chemistry is at an all-time high and frequent coupling becomes the order of the day.
the purpose
Descriptions of romantic and passionate love abound and so do prescriptions on how to deal with them, almost everything about ‘falling’ or ‘being in love’, either deals on romantic description or moralistic advice-giving.
This discourse does not aim to further clutter the thoughts of people who by now are already saturated by the sheer volumes of literature and prescriptions, with regard to the subject of love, loving and ‘being in love’. This will also try its best to avoid being prescriptive about the subject at hand. Nevertheless, should ounces of suggestions or recommendations are encountered along the way, the writer deemed it to be appropriate at that.
This will not even lay claim to be the sole authority on the subject of limerence, but merely contribute in trying to make other people understand and realize limerence, the possible social problems it may bring about and everything that accompany it. This discourse also aims to help in further reducing the harm and dangers of this phenomenon to individuals, families and children. Only if we know limerence better and understand how it works, will we be able to have greater control over it.
brief description
Limerence is a term coined by an American psychologist named Dr. Dorothy Tennov. A former professor of psychology at the University of Bridgeport, Connecticut. Dr. Tennov coined the noun ‘limerence’ (pronounced "limerans") and the adjective ‘limerent’ (pronounced "limerant"), to describe a particular state of mind. ‘Limerent’ can also be a noun, when pertaining to the ‘limerent person’. The words have subsequently been used in several other books and mediums but haven’t made it into the dictionaries.
Sometimes it’s also called ‘romantic love’ or ‘passionate love’. But that’s not an adequate definition, because non-limerents also use these terms to describe their own feelings. Limerence is also referred to, as a state of ‘falling in love’ or ‘being in love’ with someone, as different to ‘loving’ somebody.
It is a consistent pattern arising from experiences of vagueness and variety. Rising from the midst, vague at first, but when further exposed becomes undeniable. Limerence is not a product of human decision, it is not something that we do, but something that happens to us. Limerence has an irrationally overpowering condition. It appears to operate independently of other aspects of the person’s character or personality. It is also extremely tenacious, so trying to put a stop to it is indeed painstaking. Limerence is an involuntary reaction. It is as illogical to favor (or not to favor) limerence, as it is to favor (or not to favor) eating, sleeping, or sneezing!
There is just one person who is its object and intensity, as measured by bodily sensations and a predictable function is thought intrusion of the perceived behavior of the person who is its object. Limerence is what some people in a certain field of human science, calls “open”. Meaning, it is not an instinct that plays out in an inevitable sequence of phases, but is rather dependent for its course and intensity on external factors. External factors means, the behavior of others especially that of the person whose reciprocation is its object. It is also affected by circumstances, such as parental or societal objections. However, it is never induced by parental support. On the contrary, it is strengthened by externally-imposed barriers, as in the story of Romeo and Juliet.
Some have reported wishing to avoid limerence, but being unable to do so. Since, at the beginning of at an attraction that will become limerent, you both feel free and happy (you walk on air). It is hard to resist once it starts. Nevertheless, it doesn’t refer to an extreme condition but rather a state that can become extreme, if remains uncontrolled.
various symptoms
There are varying attributes and characteristics accompanying limerence. Since it operates in a pattern of intensity, a limerent person may experience a number or all of these symptoms altogether:
- Intrusive thinking about the object of your passionate desire (the limerent object or ‘LO’), who is a prospective partner or a partner;
- Acute longing for reciprocation;
- Dependency of mood on the LO’s actions or, more accurately, your interpretation of the LO’s actions with respect to the probability of reciprocation;
- Inability to react limerently to more than one person at a time (exceptions occur when limerence is at its low ebb – early on or in the last fading);
- Some fleeting and transient relief from unrequited limerent passion through vivid imagination of action by the LO, that could be interpreted as sort of reciprocation;
- Fear of rejection and sometimes incapacitating, but always unsettling shyness in the LO’s presence, especially in the beginning or whenever uncertainty strikes;
- Intensification through adversity (at least, up to a point);
- Acute sensitivity to any act or thought or condition that can be interpreted favorably and extraordinary ability to devise or invent ‘reasonable’ explanations for why the neutrality that the disinterested observer might see is in fact a sign of hidden passion for the LO;
- An aching of the ‘heart’ (more accurately in the sternum area), mostly when uncertainty is strong;
- Buoyancy (a feeling of walking on air), specially when reciprocation seems evident;
- A general intensity of feeling that leaves other concerns in the background and
- A remarkable ability to emphasize what is truly admirable in the LO and to avoid dwelling on the negative even to respond with compassion for the negative and render it, emotionally, if not, perceptually, into another positive attribute.
waning situation
Limerence ceases under one of the following conditions:
1. Consummation – in which the bliss of reciprocation is either blended into a more substantial relationship or replaced by less positive feelings towards the LO;
2. Starvation – in which even limerent sensitivity to signs of hope is useless against the onslaught of evidence that the LO does not return the limerence (limerence dies because there’s no subconscious hope left for reciprocation, and
3. Transformation – in which limerence is transferred to a new LO (the limerent becomes limerent towards someone else)
With the inevitable passing of limerence and the waking up to our beloved’s faults and their waking up to ours, we feel kicked out of paradise. Limerence is usually maintained, as long as you show only your best side to your beloved and she or he does the same. When you’re courting, nasty habits are hidden away and even if they do arise, they’re merely dismissed as somewhat quaint. After a while and limerence starts to fade, people start to slip back into their old habits. If what is emerging is that, it does not feel as magical, you do not have sex as much, she or he is not perfect after all and you have significant differences, welcome to the real world!
Many mistakenly believe limerence is love. Don’t be fooled – limerence is a wonderful experience, but the passionate feelings you experience does not guarantee that this relationship will last. Limerence starts to fade as conflicts arise in a relationship. These are inevitable and are not signs that the relationship is bad or there’s something wrong in the relationship. There may well be serious problems in the relationship and this is usually the time they are examined more closely. You may be moving to a new or a next stage in your development as a couple. Unfortunately, without this conscious knowledge and without any societal support whatsoever, many couples choose the most convenient and easiest way, which is to undergo a sort of cooling off period first before dissolving the relationship. In fact, the hallmark of a good relationship is that conflicts are dealt with rapidly and resolved whenever they arise.
Duration of limerence is inconclusive. Only one thing is certain – it’s not forever! For some, it lasts weeks into a new relationship, for others 6 to 12 months. If parents disapprove of your relationship or the relationship is faced by some other non-supporting factors or elements, you’re likely to be limerent longer, perhaps the longest would be up to 3 years. Yet still for some, it would last longer than that. Limerence is without any reliable overt behavioral markers and can exist for long periods in secret. It can sometimes be hidden and is often known only to the limerent person. The pangs of severe limerence pain can even be covered by a seemingly calm and even joyful exterior. It may even subliminally be buried in our subconscious for years and would just manifest itself, depending on the reciprocation of the LO and other external conditions of the limerent.
Although, some limerents are ashamed of feeling limerent and want to stop. Only when recovery is complete, do people appear capable of rejecting limerence as one of their most urgent personal goals.
other phenomena
Limerence differs to a host of other related conditions, such as:
1 - non-limerence
‘Non-limerent’ refers to a person who is not limerent at a time. Both the limerent and non-limerent states tend to be sustained. The most frequently encountered patterns were limerents who had always been in love with someone and wanting reciprocation, on the one hand, and the non-limerents who simply could not remember being ‘any other way’, on the other. But the same person who is limerent may someday become non-limerent and vice versa.
The non-limerent person is fond of, affectionate toward and sexually attracted to you, but does not understand what a limerent wants. Non-limerent individuals may manifest ‘romantic love’ or ‘passionate love’ but they can also manifest this to other people at the same time. They may even be jealous at times, but the jealousy, if it occurs, is more like the jealousy they might experience if a co-worker was selected for an advancement or promotion.
The feelings you have as a non-limerent for another person may include sexual attraction, friendship, and affection, without the compulsive and intrusive fantasizing or the thought of exclusivity. The limerent exclusivity is an alien thing to the non-limerent mind.
2 - infatuation
Limerence is also sometimes called ‘infatuation’. But ‘infatuation’ has implications of immaturity, and of extrapolating from insufficient information. All infatuations are commonly mistaken for limerence, but limerence is definitely not infatuation. If you’re limerent about a spouse of ten years, it wouldn’t classify to be called ‘infatuation’. (Of course, it’s highly unlikely that you’d have been limerent about your partner constantly for the entire ten years – limerence waxes and wanes.)
Nothing is ever more compelling but the desire of an object or someone with whom you have insufficient personal acquaintance to evaluate rationally as a potential partner. The literal meaning of infatuation is to be made foolish with fatuous passion, in the absence or deprived of any sound judgment.
In the context of relationships, infatuation means an intense attraction to another, arising from our focusing on one or two aspects of the other as if those aspects represent the whole. Perhaps nobody depicted infatuation more profoundly than Nathaniel Branden to which I quote, 'I see a beautiful face and assume it is the image of a beautiful soul. I see how kindly this person treats me and assumes we share significant affinities. I discover we share important values in one area and expand this area to include the whole sphere of life’.
If you are limerent about someone, but have a realistic notion of what that person is like and have a realistic notion of what a relationship is like, then you are definitely not infatuated.
3 - love
In most of its meanings, love involves concern for the other person’s welfare and feelings. Although limerents have also such concern, non-limerent affection and fondness usually have no ‘objective’. They simply exist as feelings in which non-limerents are disposed toward actions to which the recipient might or might not respond. In contrast, limerence ‘demands’ reciprocation. In difference to limerence, the primary objective in love is simply to give, without even having a thought of expecting a reaction or response.
Love is present in a relationship, if understanding and acceptance of the world and realities of each other is the norm. Not painting a certain kind of reality to your beloved that would suit best to your vision of your partner. In limerence, your feelings for the LO is usually disproportionately excessive, relative to that person’s actual value in your life. As for exclusivity, to non-limerent, it is not an objective, while it is ‘expected of’ to limerents, yet willingly chosen and voluntary on the part of lovers.
Because the experience is so ecstatic, we often mistake limerence for love. Love is more than just a feeling, perhaps its not a feeling even, it is more than the intense sharing of experiences, more than the sexual passions. Those can all be a part of love, but it is about the continuing actions in which we recognize and honor both our own needs and those of the people we chose to love.
not the final word
Limerence is not inherently bad or wrong. It only gets counter-productive in most cases, if we make any major or life changing decisions like getting married or building a family, when limerence is the only thing that’s drawing the couple together. If that happens, then as soon as the bloom of the romance blows off, you’ll wonder why the hell you got married.
One good thing with limerence is, it keeps people together long enough so they can have the opportunity to walk past limerence and start doing the works of love. Love will begin only when limerence fades into consummation and we have mustered enough courage to start bringing our real selves out into the open. By being who we really are, even with the fear or thought of us not being understood and accepted, as such. If you choose to stay and work on becoming responsible for your own actions, you are on your way to developing a truly deep and abiding relationship.
Nevertheless, enjoy every single moment of your limerence for now. Keep enough grips on yourself to pay attention to signs and markers of 'red flags'. Don’t move in together right away, because it’s a sure-fire way to burst your bubble prematurely. And if the relationship is worth keeping, mourn the passing of limerence together, when that time comes. Then work like crazy to racapture moments and hours or even days of it and rekindle its flames. As in a substantive relationship, we can re-expereince moments of limerence even as the years go by, by way of recreating courtship activities and making way for intimate moments, such as going away together, having romantic candlelight dinners, relaxing with a lazy breakfast in bed, or just walking barefooted and holding hands along the beach under the moonlight…
